Sunday, February 2, 2014

What a difference a year makes

I started this blog a long, long time ago.  I just checked and I haven't posted in over a year!  I'm not even sure I'm using the correct font.

I'm excited to revive this blog and I'm going to start with a little story about a girl.... ok, it's not a story but some true ramblings all about me!  Just what you wanted, right?

February 1, 2013 I weighed myself and I had reached 189.6 pounds.  It was heart wrenching to face what I had been denying for so long - I needed to change.  I was killing myself with food and my short body struggled to carry my weight.  Almost a year prior, my better half and I had discovered Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead (FSND) and it inspired us; I made us re-watch it to find some new motivation.  We dusted off the juicer and began a fast that lasted us about 14 days.  We weren't looking for a quick fix but to reset our brains and hopefully break some of the chains that were holding us back from enjoying life away from the dining room table.

For Valentine's Day, we went to Tahoe.  We prepped for hours, loading up a cooler full of juice and we were determined not to fall off the wagon.  After long days of snowboarding (ok, long days of me watching my other half snowboarding), we broke our fast and ate dinners while continuing to juice for breakfast and lunch.  It was great!  We both felt good and I was down to about 175 after only two weeks.  I felt like I was in control.  

On Valentine's Day, my better half and I went tubing since I don't ski or snowboard and we wanted to do something fun together.  We were the only adults there and we were having fun but it was really rough on me.  Walking up the hill from the bottom of the tubing course was difficult, getting up off the ground was hard, and I just felt ridiculous, very much like the brother in A Christmas Story when he falls and can't get up.  

Then my jacket blew out.  It had been fully zipped up and my zipper failed; I had to have my husband help me fix it and I couldn't zip it up for the rest of the day which resulted in snow up my back for the rest of the run.  I felt horribly uncomfortable but continued on - hurling down the hill, rolling around trying to get my butt off the ground, trudging up to the ramp out of breath, getting pulled up the hill, and repeating the whole thing.  I was tired and breathing heavy; I considered quitting after about 30 minutes but I kept telling myself I could do it, that it was fun being outside doing something that normal, healthy people do.  My body was begging me to give up but my brain and husband wouldn't let me.

I didn't think it would get worse but it did.  On one of my last runs, I overheard an employee making fun of someone who was "300 pounds."  I immediately wondered if they were making fun of me.  They easily could have, since we were the only adults taking part in a kid oriented activity.  I was more than ready to leave and I was broken.  I had lost weight!  I felt like a failure even though I knew I was a success.  The scale had told me so.  

That was a low point for me and I could have gotten depressed, ok well, let's be honest I did get depressed.  I could have quit.  Well, losing weight hasn't been linear but I could have given up for good.  I didn't.  I veered off from juicing and joined a facebook group in April to help get motivated; I also bought a fitness kit which still sits unopened on my bookshelf and started drinking shakeology as a meal replacement.  I was super shy and it took me a while to become active in the group.  I was ashamed of myself and ridiculously self conscious about posting pics of my body and weighing in.  I didn't even take my starting measurements and I skipped the weigh in on week one and maybe week two.  About one to two weeks after the group started, I found my voice and I was greeted with warmth.  I hadn't ever experienced such acceptance; the outpouring of support started rebuilding my broken soul and I started accepting the body I had grown to resent.  

I quit shakeology because I couldn't justify the price to my husband and it was awkward to drink my shake then watch him eat so I'd often drink a shake and immediately afterwards eat a meal.  The program wasn't bad but I wasn't seeing great results which didn't leave me super motivated.  

In September I spent way too much money to have a professional photographer take new photos of my husband and I.  I thought it would be nice to have some good pictures of us.  I had lost weight and bought brand new gorgeous dresses.  I had such high hopes!  I was under the impression that I would magically be transformed into a model with this professional photo shoot.  When I received the proofs, I didn't even recognize the woman in the pictures.  It still breaks my heart to think about it; I cut off communication with the photographer and never ordered the pictures I paid for.  I'm embarrassed I spent so much money to chronicle what I feel is a sad time in my life.  I still feel like my appearance doesn't match how I feel inside and it makes me deeply ashamed after working so hard.  

Around October, we started juicing again for two meals a day which continued until we went on vacation in December with some intermittent breaks.  My goal had become to be able to enjoy our vacation in Costa Rica and I made great achievements even though it was still physically challenging.

Fast forward to - today!  We'll ignore January which had a noble beginning and lost steam when I got the flu and what I am still fairly sure was food poisoning which lead to eating too much processed food.  I don't know my weight because I haven't weighed in lately but I will tomorrow morning.  We are also going to begin juicing again which I'm excited about!  I have been getting skinnier, I know this is true because my coworkers are now commenting on it saying things like your boobs look so much smaller (this is not an insult for me) and it feels great!  It's not just about weight loss but about being comfortable enough to enjoy life!  I want to be active and take life by the balls - something I can't do if I can't move in the body I'm in.

Some people will judge me for juicing but I don't care!  I know my body after 32 years and I know that when I'm juicing, I feel good.  I feel like I'm doing the right thing which I never felt when I was doing other programs - those made me feel like I was doing what I should not like I'm using a temporary method to achieve what I hope is a permanent solution.  I am so excited and I know coupled with eating real food, I can heal myself inside and out.  I can heal my soul and my exterior will match the beauty I know I possess inside.  

Over the past year, I estimate that I've lost about 25 pounds and learned more than 25 lessons.  That picture of myself on this blog is from my wedding in 2008, when I felt my prettiest.  It is my goal to get back down to that weight.

I look forward to this journey - more pounds lost, more lessons learned, more strength built, more friendships cultivated, more love given, more wisdom earned, more life lived.  Tonight I found my cooking mojo and I made a healthy meal - my first in a long time but not the last.  I took a picture and hashtagged it - "cooking for myself with love."  That's my 2014 resolution - to treat myself with love!  I hope you join me on this journey.